Jesus Remember Me

"A third time he [Pilate] said to them, ‘Why, what evil has he done?..." But they kept urgently demanding with loud shouts that he should be crucified; and their voices prevailed. So Pilate gave his verdict that their demand should be granted." - Luke 23:22-24

"One of the criminals who were hanged there kept deriding him... But the other rebuked him, saying, ‘Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed have been condemned justly, for we are getting what we deserve for our deeds, but this man has done nothing wrong.’ Then he said, ‘Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.’ He replied, ‘Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in Paradise.’" - Luke 23:39-43

Two things I noticed reading today that really struck me personally. The first is the phrase "and their voices prevailed". I was thinking about this with Pilate, the educated Roman governor, the sole voice of reason, speaking out to the implacable crowd, and giving in. I find this a good parallel for my conscience. It speaks out "Why?" and the irrational cries of my passions usurp it. And much like the original account, I find myself re-crucifying Christ in my heart.

The second thing is when the good thief on the cross says "we are getting wht we deserve". Tonight I had to study for an exam, but instead I foolishly wasted my time, and today in general I failed in many many ways. I was thinking, as I was feeling guilt tonight, "I am getting what I deserve". I want to be St. John the Divine, the beloved apostle. I want to be holy, to be a saint, to hate sin, and to follow Christ into the hardest spots. But frustratingly I find myself to be the thief on the cross. The one who has made every bad choice in life, save one. The only measure of holiness I have, the sliver, is to ask the Lord Jesus "Remember me".



My dad was watching college basketball the other night, and there was a clip where the star player had fallen and injured himself, it was bad enough that the team knew that this player would have to sit out the rest of the season. They were a small school and this was their big shot at the title, and as he lay there writhing in pain, he kept telling his coach he was sorry. His coach put his arms around him and told him that he loved him and that it was alright. It almost brought me to tears. The friendship these two men had and the care the coach had for the player, the fact that he was so sincere in spite of the player's faillure. It was a beautiful moment.

I always end up injurying myself, I always end up suffering from my own idiocy. Hopefully the Lord will still find in his sacred heart to embrace me in spite of all my faillures.

Jesus remember me. Iesu Memento Mei

On a slightly lighter note:
Today we had a club meeting for the Catholic ministries on campus, and the fellowship that occurred, the trust people had, and the charity people showed to each other, it was amazing. I don't use that word lightly. It was a beautiful moment when we all voiced our weaknesses and some of our fears, but we knew that together we could make it. It sounds so cheesy, and it's so impossible to explain, but it was the communion of the saints at work.

First Year in Rome (shortened)

I realized how long my last post was, and am going to try to be less wordy.

What has changed in my Christian life since becoming Roman Catholic 1 year ago?

Love - Hans Urs Von Balthasar, Mary, Pope Benedict, Scripture, and the Sacraments have all taught me this one supreme lesson: we love because he first loved us, we love because he is infinitely worth loving, we love by seeing others love Jesus (the saints), we love others by seeing Jesus in others. Love is the fulfillment of the law of Christ, love is the one necessary thing, "love is that without which no one can be saved, and with which no one can be lost" (St. Robert Bellarmine).

The Blessed Virgin Mary has shown me what loving Christ looks like, the Rosary has focuses my attention on the life of Christ rather than my own problems (or even merits). The saints inspire me and show me how to love Jesus, why I should give my whole heart and life to the service of Christ's kingdom on earth, which I believe to be the Roman Catholic Church, and in part everywhere Christ is proclaimed as Lord. In all the sacraments I encounter Christ, offering his gift of grace, offering his very self to me, a miserable sinner, but a much loved child of the Father.

It's ridiculously simple, it sounds trite and foolish, but that is what I've learned. There have been difficulties, and troubles, and continue to be. But when all else fails, I look to a crucifix, or I read the gospels, or I pray a rosary, and once again encounter the surpassing love and riches of Christ.

"Give me your love and your grace: this is enough for me." - St. Ignatius of Loyola

Loving God According to Rowan Williams and I

"...which of us does "love" God? I remember, ages ago, talking to a young Chinese Marxist student, who amazed me by saying, "of course, priesthood [I had him I hoped to be ordained] is unrewarding, but you won't mind that, because you love God." I was amazed and rather appalled, because I couldn't imagine why he should think I loved God; as soon as he'd said it, I knew it wasn't true. After all, what was it to love God? The saints loved God: their whole lives revolved around God, they wept and laughed and danced for love of him. When St. John of the Cross was staying at a convent over Christmas, one of the sisters saw him, when he thought no one was looking, picking up the figure of the child Jesus from the crib. He hugged it close to his chest and then, with eyes closed, danced around the crib for a few minutes. Well, that, it seems, is love of God: a devotion that makes people more than a little dotty, that produces an all-pervading warmth and delight, an incommunicable gladness beyond all words. "My beloved is mine and I am his"; Jesu, the very thought is sweet; In that dear name all pleasures meet"...St. Aelred of Rievaulx on his deathbed murmuring "Christ, Christ, Christ" unceasingly; Francis of Assisi literally crying himself blind in his long vigils of prayer.

If this is loving God, most of us don't." - Rowan Williams (Archbishop of Canterbury) "Loving God" in "A Ray of Darkness" p. 127

This is one of my favourite sermons of all time. Dr. Williams goes through the Catholic position and the Protestant position and notes how both fail to adequately describe the experience of loving God. He doesn't dogmatically state his views, in typical Anglican style, but rather talks about loving God as understanding him as "incomparably worthwhile". Almost a Thomistic understanding of knowing the kind of thing God is, even if not knowing exactly what he is, and then allowing our souls to ascend to the love of God by his grace. As the Angelic Doctor stated "To love God is something greater than to know him".

The Protestant/Calvinist/Lutheran position traditionally has been to say that humans can't love God. The Wesleyan/Catholic tradition has been to say humans can purely love God. A third way that modern Evangelicals and Roman Catholics alike have share is the idea of love as a choice.

Given the choice between Papist, Puritan, or Prelate, I'm going to have to side with the latter, and agree with Rowan Williams that love of God is something indescribable. It is mystical, but it comes from a choice we make long before the experience that prepares us for the reception of this grace.

There's so much in this sermon and I'm butchering it. Do yourself a favor, go out and buy a copy of Ray of Darkness. I don't agree with alot that Williams says, but much of what he says has formed my faith in that wonderful Anglo-Catholic tradition that harmonizes so well with both the fathers and Rome.

He borrows alot from Hans Urs Von Balthasar and I enjoy both of their understandings of love. They are both just within the Catholic tradition, but not in the mainstream of it.

Weekend Musings

I used this verse in a debate the other day and I found it interesting.

"So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are citizens with the saints and also members of the household of God, built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the cornerstone. In him the whole structure is joined together and grows into a holy temple in the Lord" - Ephesians 2:19-21

It's an interesting idea that Cardinal Newman suggested, that while the deposit of faith is the same, the 'unpacking' or development of doctrine is still happening. This verse struck me the other day. Mainly because it says that the Church is build upon apostles. Calvin said that meant 'apostolic teaching' by which he meant the Bible, by which he meant the Protestant canon. I personally think that it means apostolic succession, but I would say that wouldn't I. I like this verse though, as well as the preceding chapter.

On Ash Wednesday I met a deacon who is a professor of neuroscience at my university and he found out I was a convert and he told me a story about Mother Teresa. A reporter once asked her why she was Catholic, she said because she hadn't found a better religion yet.

Today I was driving to get my haircut and there was a brilliant English Monsignor who was preaching, and I really enjoyed his sermon, so I sat and listened to it for a while. By the time I walked up to the barber shop it was closing for the day. Typical Andrew haha. But I wasn't angry, it was worth it, I'll get my hair cut later.

I started reading Dietrich Von Hildebrand's book that a friend sent me the other day. It's about St. Francis (of Assisi's) message to laymen today. As a 20th century Philosopher von Hildebrand is fascinating and attacks relativism greatly. St. Francis' story was a big influence in his conversion to the Church. It's really great and I'm learning a ton about St. Francis. I have a picture of him and a small figure my mom got me in Assisi as devotional aids in my room, and it's embarrassing how little I knew about him until recently. When I read that he called his order the minores fratres 'lesser brethren', it immediately made me want to join, it felt like the religious order invented for me.

I'm really excited to go to Mass tonight again. I'm trying to figure out a Catholic definition of love, and I think I've almost got it. I think the locus classicus for understanding it is Jesus' statement in St. John's Gospel "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." I feel like love might be defined in a Catholic sense as 'self-giving'. Christ gave himself for us to the Father on the Cross, to merit the grace which makes us able to be offered to the Father by Christ. Something like that maybe? The Evangeli-speak would be 'give your life to Christ'. That sort of thing.

Philemon Passages

I read Philemon today and found some beautiful passages I enjoyed alot.

"I have indeed received much joy and encouragement from your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, my brother... I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do your duty, yet I would rather appeal to you on the basis of love—and I, Paul, do this as an old man, and now also as a prisoner of Christ Jesus. I am appealing to you for my child, Onesimus, whose father I have become ...I am sending him, that is, my own heart, back to you...I preferred to do nothing without your consent, in order that your good deed might be voluntary and not something forced. Perhaps this is the reason he was separated from you for a while, so that you might have him back for ever, no longer as a slave but as more than a slave, a beloved brother... Refresh my heart in Christ."

I love the language St. Paul uses. He says he has become this slaves father, and that he is sending his own heart back. It is a beautiful picture of the divine love God has for us runaways of his, the slaves to righteousness (rom.6) who have fled God our master, only to realize that God's love is everywhere, as difficult to escape as the hound of heaven.

On a less emotional, more theological note, I'd like to point out "in order that your good deed might be voluntary and not something forced". This implies that even if it was forced, it would still be a good deed. Meaning teleological/Aristotelian/Thomistic ethics are vindicated here.