(just so the reader knows, I have broken up with my Episcopal girlfriend, and am now determined to either marry a Catholic girl who wants lots of babies / is faithful to Church teaching, or to enter religious life, or to be a single laymen in some sort of secular vocation).
After my whole reversion to Anglicanism and then return to Rome, and my time with the Toronto Jesuits, I think I am not called to be a priest. In any case, I am an exceptionally sinful human being, and don't really have a great holiness or personal witness. But deep within me there is this great desire and thirst for such a life. I saw this video today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEn3ngvXZhg&feature=related
I thought: man I wish I could live like that. There truly is no nobler life.
I guess my question is:
Is it possible to have a deep spiritual desire for a vocation like that, and have it not be your vocation?
Should I rather just pray for those religious orders, and people discerning and within them, rather than always wonder if I should be in them?
I remember the story of St. Therese of Lisieux's parents both wanting to enter religious life, and their priest told them rather that they were to have children, all of whom entered religious life and one of whom is a saint and doctor of the church. Perhaps the longing I feel is the same longing all Catholics feel for an opportunity to give everything for their faith.
I've also considered lay religious organizations, like the tertiary Franciscans / Secular Franciscan Order, that is composed of married and celibate, lay and clerical people living in the spirit of St. Francis.
Anyway, I'm going to Confession and Mass now.
Showing posts with label Vocation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vocation. Show all posts
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
St. Ignatius and Our Lady of Monserrat
There's an interesting moment in the life of St. Ignatius Loyola, where he almost violently kills someone in defense of the perpetual virginity of Mary (St. Jerome would be proud), and then within days hangs up all of his sword and army equipment infront of an image of Our Lady of Monserrat, in what I perceive as a sort of spiritual surrender to God. It reminds me of the Newman quote where he writes that we are not merely civilians in need of a captain (Christ) but rebels who must lay down our arms.
I found an English translation of the hymn to Our Lady of Monserrat that is sung daily in the monastery:
"Rose of April, woman of the mountain,
star of Montserrat,
light up the catalan land
guide us to the sky
guide us to the sky
With a golden saw, the little angels sawed,
with a golden saw, those peaks,
to make your palace,
to make your palace.
Queen of the Sky, that the Séraphins took down
Queen of the Sky Give us a shelter in your blue coat,
in your blue coat.
Rose of April, woman of the mountain,
star of Montserrat,
light up the catalan land
guide us to the sky
guide us to the sky"
At the monastery, Ignatius confessed his sins before going off into a period of even greater conversion. I burst out laughing when I read in Catholic Encyclopedia the snide remark of the historian: "evidence tends to show that his own subsequent humble confessions of having been a great sinner should not be treated as pious exaggerations" (I want that on my gravestone).
The funny thing is the way I see -from albeit a very cursory glance at his life- him switch from one passion to the next. It's like Thomism in reverse. While that school teaches a man must subvert his passions to his reason, Ignatius seems to fall like Kierkegaard into the camp of Faith being the stongest passion. He was a very passionate man (and yet it was a passion for Christ). I think it's funny how he read about the saints and wanted to outdo them. I don't think that's pride necessarily as Holy Writ orders us to "provoke one another to love and good deeds" (Heb. 10:24).
I see in him a successful version of what I want to be. I told a friend the other day that I want to be a priest/Jesuit because I want to love the poor and completely follow Christ, not because I am doing that already. It's more a means to an end. Apparently that's not the 'right' answer to becoming a priest nowadays. Fr. McNabb's response that he took Holy Orders to 'save his soul' is now uncommon, but it really is how I feel.
May the example of Christ, Our Lady, and the saints provoke me to love.
Blessed Divine Mercy Sunday to all!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Death, Sparrows, Tooth Decay, and The Jesuits
I've heard this story like 5 times in the last month and apparently read it last year in Medieval British history but had forgotten it. In A.D. 627, King Edwin was trying to decide whether to become a Christian or not, and so he conducted a little council wherein he asked all his advisors whether he should or not.
"Another of the king's chief men, approving of his words and exhortations, presently added: "The present life of man, O king, seems to me, in comparison of that time which is unknown to us, like to the swift flight of a sparrow through the room wherein you sit at supper in winter, with your commanders and ministers, and a good fire in the midst, whilst the storms of rain and snow prevail abroad; the sparrow, I say, flying in at one door, and immediately out at another, whilst he. is within, is safe from the wintry storm; but after a short space of fair weather, he immediately vanishes out of your sight, into the dark winter from which he had emerged. So this life of man appears for a short space, but of what went before, or what is to follow, we are utterly ignorant. If, therefore, this new doctrine contains something more certain, it seems justly to deserve to be followed." The other elders and king's councillors, by Divine inspiration, spoke to the same effect." - St. Bede the Venerable (Ecclesiastical History Bk. II)
I was thinking today that I feel (I usually never trust feelings) fairly certain that I want to enter the priesthood and that I want to meet with our vocations director tomorrow. I thought about my life, dying without children or a wife, and of a hundred years from now when no one will remember me. The only fear I had - honestly - was that I wouldn't be able to become a Jesuit. I'm planning -as of now- on becoming a religious priest (hopefuly SJ), but I thought about how fleeting life is, and how my only real passion is for Christ's kingdom (as terrible a sinner as I am, this is still my deep longing). If I can serve it as a layman, that's great, but I really feel that I want to give up everything. The reading today was from Philipians 3, and it was one of my favourite passages, St. Paul writes that he counts all as rubbish compared to knowing Christ, and that he counts it all as loss that he may be found in Him. That's what I thought: I only want to be found in Christ.
As I brushed my teeth tonight I noticed that a tooth my dentist pointed out 6 months ago looks pretty bad, and I figured it might be decaying. I wasn't worried. I thought 'i'm going to be a priest, who cares what I look like. Perhaps it'll be a form of penance and detachment from vanity.'. Like I said, I'm no saint, but I was actually finding joy in bad things.
All of this connects to a sermon I heard from an English Monsignor today on EWTN who only had one hand. He said that he wasn't sad about it, and that as far as he knew, having two hands doesn't make most people happy anyway. He had a chance to help manage a bank, but left it all and became a missionary priest. He eventually worked with Pope John Paul II. He talked about God bringing good out of every evil and grace out of every sin. It gave me alot of hope to hear someone speak with such faith. The more I think about it, we're all just sparrows in the great hall of life. Some of us don't have hands, some of us have rotten teeth, some of us have rotten souls. But only the last ailment is truly mortal. You can survive anything with the grace of Christ.
I don't know if tomorrow I'll resign myself to complaining or commit grave sins, but in this present moment, I'm grateful to God for the peaceful acceptance of his providence. There are days I am overwhelmed with love for God, and this is one of them. To him be Glory forever.
"Another of the king's chief men, approving of his words and exhortations, presently added: "The present life of man, O king, seems to me, in comparison of that time which is unknown to us, like to the swift flight of a sparrow through the room wherein you sit at supper in winter, with your commanders and ministers, and a good fire in the midst, whilst the storms of rain and snow prevail abroad; the sparrow, I say, flying in at one door, and immediately out at another, whilst he. is within, is safe from the wintry storm; but after a short space of fair weather, he immediately vanishes out of your sight, into the dark winter from which he had emerged. So this life of man appears for a short space, but of what went before, or what is to follow, we are utterly ignorant. If, therefore, this new doctrine contains something more certain, it seems justly to deserve to be followed." The other elders and king's councillors, by Divine inspiration, spoke to the same effect." - St. Bede the Venerable (Ecclesiastical History Bk. II)
I was thinking today that I feel (I usually never trust feelings) fairly certain that I want to enter the priesthood and that I want to meet with our vocations director tomorrow. I thought about my life, dying without children or a wife, and of a hundred years from now when no one will remember me. The only fear I had - honestly - was that I wouldn't be able to become a Jesuit. I'm planning -as of now- on becoming a religious priest (hopefuly SJ), but I thought about how fleeting life is, and how my only real passion is for Christ's kingdom (as terrible a sinner as I am, this is still my deep longing). If I can serve it as a layman, that's great, but I really feel that I want to give up everything. The reading today was from Philipians 3, and it was one of my favourite passages, St. Paul writes that he counts all as rubbish compared to knowing Christ, and that he counts it all as loss that he may be found in Him. That's what I thought: I only want to be found in Christ.
As I brushed my teeth tonight I noticed that a tooth my dentist pointed out 6 months ago looks pretty bad, and I figured it might be decaying. I wasn't worried. I thought 'i'm going to be a priest, who cares what I look like. Perhaps it'll be a form of penance and detachment from vanity.'. Like I said, I'm no saint, but I was actually finding joy in bad things.
All of this connects to a sermon I heard from an English Monsignor today on EWTN who only had one hand. He said that he wasn't sad about it, and that as far as he knew, having two hands doesn't make most people happy anyway. He had a chance to help manage a bank, but left it all and became a missionary priest. He eventually worked with Pope John Paul II. He talked about God bringing good out of every evil and grace out of every sin. It gave me alot of hope to hear someone speak with such faith. The more I think about it, we're all just sparrows in the great hall of life. Some of us don't have hands, some of us have rotten teeth, some of us have rotten souls. But only the last ailment is truly mortal. You can survive anything with the grace of Christ.
I don't know if tomorrow I'll resign myself to complaining or commit grave sins, but in this present moment, I'm grateful to God for the peaceful acceptance of his providence. There are days I am overwhelmed with love for God, and this is one of them. To him be Glory forever.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Newman Club Retreat & Vocation
Well, this weekend we had a Newman Club retreat. It went alot better, I mostly shut up about contentious stuff so it worked out. Actually it was a great time. We had alot of time for reflection and prayer. I relearned alot of things, and had a great discussion with a Peruvian Catholic philosopher about the stuff I'm taking in my Existentialist class. I definately need to read more papa jpII (I want to pick up 'love and responsibility'). I found some more latent Calvinism that I had to root out (I'm not even joking) and how it effects my relationships with others, God, and in my reception of the Sacraments (i've kind of been a crypto-Jansenist perhaps).
Anyway, the biggest moment of the retreat was my continued 'mood/feeling/disposition' - I don't know if it's strong enough to be a calling. It usually happens most strongly when I'm praying the Rosary. We had a time of confession and adoration, and we - by some twist of fate - got to sing 2 hymns in Latin which were beautiful. It was basically the priest and I singing, and I had the feeling that I'm supposed to become a Jesuit. It was the weirdest thing, because lately I've been having alot of problems with the Society, and have been looking at other religious orders. But strangely enough, it's like I'm not even feeling a calling to the priesthood so much as a calling to be a Jesuit. Perhaps one would call this a 'calling' (remembering my reservations about the term) to the religious vocation of priesthood?
So that was basically it. I met some pretty young Catholic girls, but this didn't seem to make me change my feelings, or even want a different life. I have no idea. I talked to my priest about it and he said I should wait at least 5 years as I'm, 'a newly minted Catholic'. That's probably good advice.
Today we had time to start watching "the Black Robe" about the Canadian Jesuits who were missionaries (maybe it's all the movies that's doing it?) and martyrs to the Huron. We only got about 40 minutes in, but I felt so simultaneously inspired by it, and unworthy/unable to live such a heroic life. By God's grace perhaps I will.
The funny thing about vocations is that seemingly the only thing we say about them is "it's not just for priests and religious!". This goes on to the point that I began to wonder if priesthood is a vocation (I immediately realized the ridiculousness of such a quandry), but it goes to show you how much things change sometimes.
Anyway, the biggest moment of the retreat was my continued 'mood/feeling/disposition' - I don't know if it's strong enough to be a calling. It usually happens most strongly when I'm praying the Rosary. We had a time of confession and adoration, and we - by some twist of fate - got to sing 2 hymns in Latin which were beautiful. It was basically the priest and I singing, and I had the feeling that I'm supposed to become a Jesuit. It was the weirdest thing, because lately I've been having alot of problems with the Society, and have been looking at other religious orders. But strangely enough, it's like I'm not even feeling a calling to the priesthood so much as a calling to be a Jesuit. Perhaps one would call this a 'calling' (remembering my reservations about the term) to the religious vocation of priesthood?
So that was basically it. I met some pretty young Catholic girls, but this didn't seem to make me change my feelings, or even want a different life. I have no idea. I talked to my priest about it and he said I should wait at least 5 years as I'm, 'a newly minted Catholic'. That's probably good advice.
Today we had time to start watching "the Black Robe" about the Canadian Jesuits who were missionaries (maybe it's all the movies that's doing it?) and martyrs to the Huron. We only got about 40 minutes in, but I felt so simultaneously inspired by it, and unworthy/unable to live such a heroic life. By God's grace perhaps I will.
The funny thing about vocations is that seemingly the only thing we say about them is "it's not just for priests and religious!". This goes on to the point that I began to wonder if priesthood is a vocation (I immediately realized the ridiculousness of such a quandry), but it goes to show you how much things change sometimes.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
"Godless Generation"
I was reading about internet phenomena the other day, and I found out about the 'puppy-throwing marine' youtube video. For the sake of time I'll assume that title is descriptive enough. Anyway so this video got banned because a puppy dying was seen as offensive. Then I saw a video from a girl named 'angie the anti-theist' filming her abortion (she did it by pill). What does this say about our culture? That people think a puppy's life is more valuable and it's death is more offensive than the murder of a child.
The Vulgate quotes St. Peter speaking in the Spirit at Pentecost saying "salvamini a generatione ista prava" - Save yourselves from this perverse generation. Another translation says: "godless generation".
I was in my Existentialist philosophy class and after I asked if Sartre had any logical argument for Atheism and she replied 'no but it's just a generally accepted premise that he doesn't".
I was reading Karl Rahner's work on the Trinity and in it he was arguing against traditional Catholic theology. This is a man people apparently say is a 'hero' of the faith. The "textbook" theologians as he calls them, were the real heroes.
All of this has made me better understand this command to save ourselves from this godless generation. This is another reason I'd like to completely do so and maybe become a priest, to be completely removed from this culture's values and be a living image of Christ. What a job?! But how incredibly difficult...
The Vulgate quotes St. Peter speaking in the Spirit at Pentecost saying "salvamini a generatione ista prava" - Save yourselves from this perverse generation. Another translation says: "godless generation".
I was in my Existentialist philosophy class and after I asked if Sartre had any logical argument for Atheism and she replied 'no but it's just a generally accepted premise that he doesn't".
I was reading Karl Rahner's work on the Trinity and in it he was arguing against traditional Catholic theology. This is a man people apparently say is a 'hero' of the faith. The "textbook" theologians as he calls them, were the real heroes.
All of this has made me better understand this command to save ourselves from this godless generation. This is another reason I'd like to completely do so and maybe become a priest, to be completely removed from this culture's values and be a living image of Christ. What a job?! But how incredibly difficult...
Monday, February 15, 2010
Vocation
I just got back from a great meeting with some Catholic friends involved with the CLM (Christian Life Movement) and we were talking about grad school, the priesthood, and marriage / family life. It was great to see people who really knew their vocations and were dedicated to living them out.
As for me, I just tell people I'm getting my masters in History (or Theology) and they're usually too bored to say any more. But tonight I was getting much needed advice from 2 graduate students and with every new piece of information I felt overwhelmed. Apparently there's alot of formalities, scholarships, and paperwork to this whole MA thing.
Anyway, on top of that everyday cowardice of mine and fear of new things, I began to think about my vocation more. There are only a handfull of times in my life I've ever heard/felt/sensed God's action directly, and I'm not one for saying 'God told me this', etc. I think I'm just so selfish I could never actually sit in quiet long enough for him to speak. I just wait for 30 seconds, and then start making up things he should be saying.
Things I'm certain of:
I'm certain of this: I don't want titles. I'm such a pompous upper-middle class kid, I've always had life easy. Academia would be so pitifully average for me. I would secretly thrive on being able to call myself "Dr." or "Fr." that I know it would destroy me.
I'm certain of this: I love learning. I love to read and study theology, Church History, Brittania, The Old South, etc. But I find Universities and Academia in general to at times be antithetical to learning. You learn a few things, and then repeat them over and over again and condescend to other people who don't understand quite as well as you do. It's just intellectual games.
I'm certain of this: I want to be active. I don't want to sit in my office, or write research papers about myself, I'd like to teach or to argue with people who disagree with me. I'd like to actually DO something in the world. At the end of my life, if I haven't been part of a community, or if there are no people who I can see that God has changed through me, it will all have been a faillure. Even if I'm a famous historian with a wikipedia entry.
People I want to be like:
There are three people I really want to emulate -whatever my vocation may be:
G.K. Chesterton - he never had a degree, yet he debated some of the sharpest minds of his day, he never backed down from a fight and he knew the faith extremely well. No academic merits were bestowed on him, and yet Thomist scholars say he was one of the most influential commentators on the Angelic doctor. His work helped convert C.S. Lewis for crying out loud. He was a real Catholic man, and I want to be like him (I'm there in weight already).
St. Edmund Campion - he was an academic, he could have been archbishop of Canterbury, or a famous professor at Oxford. But he left it all behind to become a Jesuit priest and he died a martyr for it. He gave it all up for the greater glory of God, and if that isn't admirable, I don't know what is.
Finally, there's a picture I have that I found on a Catholic blog. I don't know who the priest is, but I just can't describe how beautiful it is. I'm far too unholy to be a priest, but if God's grace ever loosed me from my sin, oh how much I would love to give my life in service of the Kingdom... be a military chaplain. padre Andrew (maybe if I used a non-english title it wouldn't go to my head).
So all in all, I think I'd like to be a monk maybe. I'm just confused and a bit scared. I pray that maybe God will make things clearer for me. I would love to be holy enough not to care about myself and spend entire blogs in self-reflection, but I'll blame it on St. Augustine's Confessions.
As for me, I just tell people I'm getting my masters in History (or Theology) and they're usually too bored to say any more. But tonight I was getting much needed advice from 2 graduate students and with every new piece of information I felt overwhelmed. Apparently there's alot of formalities, scholarships, and paperwork to this whole MA thing.
Anyway, on top of that everyday cowardice of mine and fear of new things, I began to think about my vocation more. There are only a handfull of times in my life I've ever heard/felt/sensed God's action directly, and I'm not one for saying 'God told me this', etc. I think I'm just so selfish I could never actually sit in quiet long enough for him to speak. I just wait for 30 seconds, and then start making up things he should be saying.
Things I'm certain of:
I'm certain of this: I don't want titles. I'm such a pompous upper-middle class kid, I've always had life easy. Academia would be so pitifully average for me. I would secretly thrive on being able to call myself "Dr." or "Fr." that I know it would destroy me.
I'm certain of this: I love learning. I love to read and study theology, Church History, Brittania, The Old South, etc. But I find Universities and Academia in general to at times be antithetical to learning. You learn a few things, and then repeat them over and over again and condescend to other people who don't understand quite as well as you do. It's just intellectual games.
I'm certain of this: I want to be active. I don't want to sit in my office, or write research papers about myself, I'd like to teach or to argue with people who disagree with me. I'd like to actually DO something in the world. At the end of my life, if I haven't been part of a community, or if there are no people who I can see that God has changed through me, it will all have been a faillure. Even if I'm a famous historian with a wikipedia entry.
People I want to be like:
There are three people I really want to emulate -whatever my vocation may be:
G.K. Chesterton - he never had a degree, yet he debated some of the sharpest minds of his day, he never backed down from a fight and he knew the faith extremely well. No academic merits were bestowed on him, and yet Thomist scholars say he was one of the most influential commentators on the Angelic doctor. His work helped convert C.S. Lewis for crying out loud. He was a real Catholic man, and I want to be like him (I'm there in weight already).
St. Edmund Campion - he was an academic, he could have been archbishop of Canterbury, or a famous professor at Oxford. But he left it all behind to become a Jesuit priest and he died a martyr for it. He gave it all up for the greater glory of God, and if that isn't admirable, I don't know what is.
Finally, there's a picture I have that I found on a Catholic blog. I don't know who the priest is, but I just can't describe how beautiful it is. I'm far too unholy to be a priest, but if God's grace ever loosed me from my sin, oh how much I would love to give my life in service of the Kingdom... be a military chaplain. padre Andrew (maybe if I used a non-english title it wouldn't go to my head).
So all in all, I think I'd like to be a monk maybe. I'm just confused and a bit scared. I pray that maybe God will make things clearer for me. I would love to be holy enough not to care about myself and spend entire blogs in self-reflection, but I'll blame it on St. Augustine's Confessions.
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